one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
