Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Randomize
