my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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