i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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