proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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