So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Couch. On fire.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
