I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
