can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
