bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
Randomize
