Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
