Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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