If you die in college, do you die in real life?
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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