Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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