I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
