I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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