Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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