This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Randomize
