Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Everytime we come here you have an ex here.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
