he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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