i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
Randomize
