69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
