k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
