What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
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