is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Randomize
