I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
don't judge my taste in strippers
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
