threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
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