dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
The way I see it, if i don't fail the midterm and blow off some of the projects, how else am I going to get motivated to study for the final ?
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
Randomize
