I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Randomize
