watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
