So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Randomize
