god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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