He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Text me some of your sweat
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
