I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I think I won the penis lottery.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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