my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Randomize
