Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
Actions speak louder than pants.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
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