Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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