I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Randomize
