if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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