We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Randomize
