Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
