watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Randomize
