I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Randomize
