Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Randomize
