Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
