He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Randomize
