we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Randomize
