I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Randomize
