she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
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