mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Randomize
