I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
