No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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