I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Randomize
