well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
on a scale of one to ten, how awkward would it i told him i had to go change my tampon and then left?
11
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Randomize
